Rêver de lui...

Notice: To anyone I know that may read this. This entry is not up for discussion and I even prefer if it was not read.

I fell back asleep this morning for another two hours. I feel like every time I do this I'm guaranteed to dream, and usually of something I'm worrying about. However this morning was something I hadn't been thinking about. Now that I pick through it and really think, it's entirely possibly and feasible. Fuck.

This is the one thing I hate about connecting. I feel completely exposed. I constantly have a feeling deep down that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am insane. I will not in anyway deny this. But the crazy ones are always better. I don't know how I'd react if or when something goes wrong. I guess it would depend on the situation. To be honest I don't see myself staying in New York. Once I get the money. part me wants to get a backpack, some bus tickets, and hit the road. When did I become so independent? How did I lose the ability to trust people?

Oh! Now I remember! Because everyone I've ever loved has fucked me over! Alright, now I get it. So back to the point, fuck this. I just want to understand, why is everything so Goddamn complicated. I'm trying so hard to be a good person, but am I hurting myself in doing so?

Every friend I've had has cost me something, to a point where I know have one friend, and I plan to keep it that way.

I'm just hurt. I remember when Will told me he no longer loved me. I thought that pain would never leave, I guess it hasn't. Even though I was the one to end the relationship and still have no feelings for wanting to go back to it, it still hurts.

There are so many times in my life that I've wished I could go back and just hold myself, because no one else would.