Que la musique conduire votre âme ...

I feel extremely positive today. I realized how much of my life is in my own control, quite profound for me.

The day job is getting better as long as I keep my long term goal in mind.

Enjoying the simplest things everyday.

Some girls don't dance to the beat of the tribe.

Chapter One. Look.

Look.

I'm woken by the decaying morning air coming through the small grate of my window. The cheap linen of my sheets bundle at my waist as I rise up, only to great a grey sky peering in. The room looks especially dismal today as I step onto the grain of the carpet, another day of rain. A sense of wonder comes over me; unsure of how to feel about this I get up too make coffee. I am reminded of how much I want to replace that coffee pot, glass ones always burn the coffee, a taste that won't leave my mouth till the afternoon.

The linoleum keeps peeling in the kitchen. Is it water damage? I bet the sink is leaking again, you get what you pay for supposedly. In New York your not paying for luxury, your paying for a life. My kitchen chair creaks when I sit down in it, a reminder that stand-stills are uncommon in this city. I'll be out of here soon enough.

My shower runs hot. If someone else uses it in the complex, cold. It spits at me while I try to manage it's temperature. As I stepped in, I see someone in the door way. I pull back the curtain, hard enough to here the snap of one the hooks crack and fall to drain of the tub. No one is there. Too live by your self for as long as I have you begin to feel the ghosts of your memories haunt you. "Not now, not in the shower, let me rest." Thinking out loud can also happen, as hearing the sound of any voice is better than none at all.

The cat needs to be fed before I leave. I haven't seen him in ages it feels. Concealing himself under the couch with the forgotten settlements of my day, he's so timid lately. I wish I knew what time it was, I can't be late. If I'm late I'm wrong, if I'm wrong I will never be accomplished...therefore what is the point in life?

I miss the News, the TV burned out years ago I think. I can't remember when, but I miss feeling connected. Am I suppose to work today? Everything feels so heavy. I should lay down.

When did I make the bed? I must be more productive today than usual. I curl up the sheets between my legs, I begin touch myself and turn my eyes towards the window. I squint to see a figure fluttering outside. A diminutive grey bird is struggling to be let in. As I climax I ask myself, why work so hard to be let in when all I want is to be set free?

Je veux que tout ...

I am terrified.

I tried to quit my job. The words actually left my mouth.

Now reality is setting in and I realize I can't actually go through with it.

Am I always going to be a hopeless romantic shop girl? Or will I truly develop as an artist and begin to create my own universe.

Till then, till the day I leave my place of slavery, I have to work hard. If I won't be recognized for the work I've done, I want them to at least regret losing me at work.

This may not happen. Whatever.

I want play, I want to touch, I want to love, I want to see, I want to feel, I want everything.

Give it to me.

D'essayer de gagner votre amour

I debate whether I'm upset that no one reads this, or relieved.

I'm trying to write out this short story and it fucking sucks.

I live in a constant conflict of interest.

How many times can something break before it becomes trash?

I am really fucking pissed at the moment.

Yet I feel that writing this and then reading it tomorrow will only anger me more.

There are days when I want everything to shut off and I just can't reach the switch.

If I'm not the one, then I'm just another one, so I would rather be no one to anyone at all.

I'm going to eat some tuna now.

Quand les mots ne peuvent décrire ...

I could not hold back. Everything inside of me was on fire. I found a passion that I thought would truly never be felt.

To have the desire to want to know every facet of another human being. When the only thing you want to do is make them smile. To give them the serenity that they have given to you. To return to care and love that you feel so strongly.

I went to my roof, with music playing in my ears, I screamed at the top of my lungs. For sometimes I find emotion has no way out, no other expression...then I cried.

However I didn't cry because of sorrow; I cried because I actually feel something.

I feel so many things right now. As joyous as it can be, and as much pain can be found, I feel.

Everything's alright.

I want to be rich and I want lots of money
I don’t care about clever, I don’t care about funny
I want loads of clothes and fuck loads of diamonds
I heard people die while they are trying to find them

And i’ll take my clothes off and it will be shameless
Cause everyone knows that’s how you get famous
I’ll look at the sun and I’ll look in the mirror
I’m on the right track yeah I’m on to a winner

I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore
I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear?

Cause I’m being taken over by the fear

Life’s about film stars and less about mothers
It’s all about fast cars and cussing each other
But it doesn’t matter cause I’m packing plastic
And that’s what makes my life so fucking fantastic

And I am a weapon of massive consumption
And its not my fault it’s how I’m programmed to function
I’ll look at the sun and I’ll look in the mirror
I’m on the right track yeah we're on to a winner

I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore
I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear?
Cause I’m being taken over by the fear

Forget about guns and forget ammunition
Cause I’m killing them all on my own little mission
Now I’m not a saint, but I’m not a sinner
Now everything's cool as long as I’m gettin thinner

I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore
I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear?
Cause I’m being taken over by fear

Définir le bonheur ...

I'm sitting here with the intention of writing something positive. Whats distracting about this is the fact I have to tell myself to be cheerful. I question what happiness really is in life.

If it's all just chemical reactions in our brains, then there are plenty of drugs and other things that can be used to stimulate that. But when you break down the human psychology what is happiness?

I can't really complain at the moment. Well I could. However it's pointless, being I can see a solution in each of my problems so what is there to truly worry about?

I remember Will used to want to find the ultimate high. He was so interested in drugs, from an intellectual standpoint as well as recreational. I always wanted to find personal Nirvana. My own state of mind where I could complete the things I wanted accomplished, be with the people I loved, and find personal serenity in simple day to day tasks.

I started by beginning to appreciate less noticeable parts of life a few years back. But it wasn't until I had nothing that I truly understood what they meant to me.
For instance, socks without holes in them. Seems silly right? Well for me it's a luxury I don't always have. If I want to paint I have to think in only a few colors, I can't afford to buy new paints as I once did. However it makes going to the arts supply store so much more rewarding.

I prefer to take my coffee with half and half. I can only afford milk so in the few times I get it, it's almost a treat.

I really enjoy my life this way though. There were times when I had less finacial responsibility and more income and was so miserable I had nothing else to do but watch myself spend money on things I would forget about within a week.

No one really has gifted me before either. My Mother and Stepfather would usually buy me new clothes for my birthday and at Christmas I would receive clothing and usually one gift that was not something of necessity. My father would ask every year what I wanted. It was so impersonal I just started to ask for cash instead. Will never could really give much, and he tried very hard to at least give something when he could. Last Christmas was my first in a cold climate. I was completely unprepared. All my socks were thin, my coats were old, I didn't have gloves for a while, it was unpleasant to say the least. I had gotten Dom a hat from his favorite store because I remembered he had lost his. The place was stupid expensive, but I was just so happy that this was a thoughtful gift, that he did love. I received lingerie from him. I was a little hurt by this. He knew very well of my situation and chose to get a gift that was really more for himself than me.

Anyway, so I'm honestly not used to receiving gifts. In any form. Even the smallest things being handed to me take such a hold on my heart. Sometimes I'm so taken aback by it that I don't even know how to vocalize my appreciation.

So when someone gives you happiness, how do you say "Thank You"?