Who do I want to be? Or better titled, who do I want you to see?

I've realized now the perception those have of me. Fabulous really.

In one years time I've moved from small city NC to NYC. I've done more recreational drinking than should be allowed. Dealt with the death of a ex. Dealt with the end of a 5 year commitment. Been infatuated time and time again. Fallen in love. Fallen out of love. Fallen back in. Had ice cream. I've quit more than I thought possible and gave up only to take it back each time. I'm staring at my future thinking I should have made a turn on this path awhile ago.

I deserve better than I have given my self.

I will become something grand. That takes time and why can't anyone see that?

I work hard to control the things I feel, impulses that make my heart beat louder than marching band. I work hard to show the love that I feel for so many, but I feel as though my words are weak. That when heard are not being understood. I consider what it would be like to cut all ties again, maybe move to another city, state, or country. Adele writes and every time begs of me to cross the pond. Says she could have a job for me in seconds. Am I doing the wrong thing. I refuse to give up on people, because through their faults I see the person inside, those people inspire me everyday to wake up.

I let my heart guide me, it knows what I can and cannot do. It knows who I am. It knows what I want. It gave me the challenges I needed, and it gave me the strength to face new ones. But I question, have I ever been in love?

Love should know no boundaries and the only fear should be that you are never to see the other person again. Nothing else should matter. Nothing. When you see them it's like regaining your breath. Refreshing. I want my perfect match. I want someone just as crazy, just as loving, just as naive. I want to go through our challenges together, and I'm starting to believe I will never find that.

People say I'm only 22.

These people are usually over 30.

...and no better off than me.

I will never feel bad for anything I have done. The choices I've made were mine to decide. I am far from weak. Every fucking day something new comes at me and I dodge or hit it with my own force.

I just finished watching a PBS special on relationships and how important they are to human health. They did this test where they had created this two fake mothers for a baby monkey, one was cuddly and soft but offered no food, the other one was made of metal but would feed it. The monkey every time chose the to feel comforted rather than eat. Would rather starve but feel loved. That is me.

I want to love and be loved. I want to hold onto that forever. It's to a point where I will do anything to preserve that feeling, I want it from my mother, my friends, my lover.

I can't dance for a damn, but I don't care. I just want to move my body and feel the music flow through me.

I can't sing, but I need to let my thoughts escape me.

I can't paint, but I need to see what I feel.

I can't act, but I need it to hide.

Yet, I can do anything....and I will do everything.

I will show you the light that is inside of me, the colors it can be, the way it can dim and the way it can burn.

Just ask.

When did God give up on me? Was it as early as I think? I've carried the weight of feeling unwanted my whole life, the only thing keeping me going was the small love I carried for myself. I am so imperfect, all I want is to fill my heart and be free.

I am trapped.

I want out.

But to what extreme?

I'm tired of complaints from those who don't know what pain is. Who will never understand what a human is capable of going through with out collapsing inside.

I'll just hide in my head for now.

Où allons-nous d'ici?

Dear Universe,

I wrote to you not long ago and I cannot forget the words that were said. I feel selfish in my asking of the world to change for me. I want my mother to be better, I want her to feel good about where she is in life. I guess I am finding this with everyone that I know. I want everyone to feel better about who they are including myself. There is nothing else in life that is more important than the ultimate satisfaction with who you are.

I am about to be 22. I should be proud of myself for working for the same company for 3 years with little education. Self education is my life's pursuit. I think thats why admire Glenn Beck, he went to college for only one semester, the rest he taught himself. Now he is his own company...thats what I want to be, my own company.

-G

Tout ce que je veux ....

I want to sing a song, I want it to fill your soul.

I want to make you scream, I want it to fill your heart.

I want to play, I want you to pick me first.

I want run, I want you to chase.

I want everything.

I want to drink, I want it to fill me.

I want to smoke, I want it to kill me.

I want dance, I want it to control me.

I want to run, I want to watch you go the other way.

I want nothing.

I went to look for shadows, but the shadows they found me.

I went to swim in the ocean, but I drowned up in the sea.

I want to love my man, but he chose her over me.

I want to be somebody else, I feel I won't be free.

Is this me for life?

Que la musique conduire votre âme ...

I feel extremely positive today. I realized how much of my life is in my own control, quite profound for me.

The day job is getting better as long as I keep my long term goal in mind.

Enjoying the simplest things everyday.

Some girls don't dance to the beat of the tribe.

Chapter One. Look.

Look.

I'm woken by the decaying morning air coming through the small grate of my window. The cheap linen of my sheets bundle at my waist as I rise up, only to great a grey sky peering in. The room looks especially dismal today as I step onto the grain of the carpet, another day of rain. A sense of wonder comes over me; unsure of how to feel about this I get up too make coffee. I am reminded of how much I want to replace that coffee pot, glass ones always burn the coffee, a taste that won't leave my mouth till the afternoon.

The linoleum keeps peeling in the kitchen. Is it water damage? I bet the sink is leaking again, you get what you pay for supposedly. In New York your not paying for luxury, your paying for a life. My kitchen chair creaks when I sit down in it, a reminder that stand-stills are uncommon in this city. I'll be out of here soon enough.

My shower runs hot. If someone else uses it in the complex, cold. It spits at me while I try to manage it's temperature. As I stepped in, I see someone in the door way. I pull back the curtain, hard enough to here the snap of one the hooks crack and fall to drain of the tub. No one is there. Too live by your self for as long as I have you begin to feel the ghosts of your memories haunt you. "Not now, not in the shower, let me rest." Thinking out loud can also happen, as hearing the sound of any voice is better than none at all.

The cat needs to be fed before I leave. I haven't seen him in ages it feels. Concealing himself under the couch with the forgotten settlements of my day, he's so timid lately. I wish I knew what time it was, I can't be late. If I'm late I'm wrong, if I'm wrong I will never be accomplished...therefore what is the point in life?

I miss the News, the TV burned out years ago I think. I can't remember when, but I miss feeling connected. Am I suppose to work today? Everything feels so heavy. I should lay down.

When did I make the bed? I must be more productive today than usual. I curl up the sheets between my legs, I begin touch myself and turn my eyes towards the window. I squint to see a figure fluttering outside. A diminutive grey bird is struggling to be let in. As I climax I ask myself, why work so hard to be let in when all I want is to be set free?